Friday, August 29, 2014

Raising Your Happiness Quotient

And this video. Holy cute.

And then there's THIS one, too!

And, of course, another fun one courtesy of my dear friend, Hank:

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and he should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did, they loved it. Today I'm taking them to the movies."


So, I realize I've been a bit ranty lately. But the incredible amount of bullshit being exposed via the lovely thing that is the Internet has got my britches all up in a bunch.

Here's the thing. A person I know and love and care about was a victim of domestic violence last week. She didn't deem it as such because she didn't have any bruises to show for it.

Well, I'm not going into detail, but suffice it to say that her ex-boyfriend (and I use the term "boyfriend" rather loosely because people who love you don't do shit like this)...Anyway, this ASSHOLE M*THERFUCKER showed up at my house where she was sleeping. It was 5:00 am, he was DRUNK as shit, and he repeatedly pounded on our door, demanding to see "his woman."


Long story short, the police came, the idiot would not follow their instructions to leave, so he got himself arrested.

Good going, kiddo. Way to be a good guy. Nice boyfriend, eh?

The kicker is that this idiot was blaming ME for his woes. Like I caused the situation where HE comes to MY house and gets arrested. Yeah, riiiight.

Nope. Sorry kid. You and YOU ALONE are to blame for the whole ridiculous mess.

Long story short, I now have a 19 year old woman and her little dog living here.

A victim of domestic violence.

At 19.

I immediately got her to an abused women's shelter called Abused Women Aid in Crisis (amazing) where a wonderful counselor spent two hours talking to my friend, gently informing her that she was actually in imminent danger from her "boyfriend." We then spent the ensuing hours going through the proper legal channels at the courthouses here to make certain that we were safe from another terror-inspiring visit from the "boyfriend."

Phew. What a fucking day THAT was.

Again, so now here comes the ranty part. What the fuck is UP with the males of our world? And, yeah, blah blah blah, I know there are women who commit acts of violence against men and children, but the statistics show a VERY heavy skew toward the variety of humans who carry that pesky Y chromosome.

Even the President of George Washington University - a prestigious and liberal university - made the MOST IGNORANT comments yesterday about rape on college campuses. Here's an open letter from the Huffington Post from an alumna from GWU. She addresses his ridiculously stupid comments with a biting letter that just made me want to cheer...

It's time for us to address this bullshit. I watched a powerful TED talk a few weeks ago about the subject of rape and how, INEVITABLY, the victim is asked what she was wearing. Or if she had been drinking. Or if she was "teasing" the rapist.


It doesn't MATTER what she was wearing. Or if she was drinking or if she had even initially been sexually interested in the rapist.

What MATTERS is that there was a VIOLENT act made against this person. Something against her will. It's not any different than what happens when some asshole beats up a homeless person. Just because. Or when an unarmed black person is shot by police. Or when guerillas beat and kill children because they are so sick in the head that they think they're acting under the will of God.

There is no God anywhere that wants acts of violence to be made against another soul.

So, ok. End of rant.

I will leave you with some ridiculously cute pictures of my 19 year-old friend's doggie named Jax. He's a French bulldog, but he more resembles a piglet. I actually don't call him Jax, I refer to him as Piggie or Lil Pig. He snorts and snuffles and eats the crab apples off the ground in my back yard. He plays with ice cubes and is best friends with my little dog, Phoebe.
They play and play and then CRASH! Right now I have a quiet house with only the sounds of the seaplanes flying overhead, the fridge running and dogs snoring.

And my 19 year-old friend is asleep peacefully in her blue room. And I'm so very thankful she is alive.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Funnies (thanks primarily to Hank!)

This one is CLASSIC Hank:

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." 

Did somebody lose the cat?

These are called paraprosdokian sentences. The first half has one meaning and the second sentence gives the phrase a whole new meaning. 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Many more funnies to come! I just needed a heavy dose of silliness today. Hope you are well.

Random stuff

First off, I'm completely crazy over our Attorney General, Eric Holder. What a fantastic man. Thank you, AG Holder.

Second, the discussions that have been happening re: Ebola, Ferguson, Robin Williams, the atrocities in Iraq...Through these terrible things, we are learning some incredible things about human nature and asking the right questions. I'm trying to stay positive which is not always so easy, right?

Third, it's time for some levity. I have collected (over many years) some of the funniest photos, videos and jokes (thanks to you, Hank!).

So, it's JOKE day on Life with Flowers! Plus, I've got to get my head straight for the Emmys which are on MONDAY! I'm sooooo excited! I have missed out on so many award shows in the last couple years, so YAAAY for the Emmys! I've already warned me new, lovely husband about my obsession with these silly self-congratulatory productions...oh, well.

On with the silliness...

Well. Jeez. Looking through the pictures I have from the last 15 years I have found pictures I WAAAANA post that aren't necessarily funny for you, but bring back some fabulous memories. So, this will be my post about fun memories from my recent past. I'll put up another one today that are the funny ones, mmkay?

These are completely random and in no particular order. Just sayin' so you don't think I've gone and caught the schizophrenia (not that there's anything wrong with it (to steal a line from Seinfeld))...

Christmas in Salem! My house was on the Christmas in Salem home tour that year.

My bestie since we've been three years old. My momma made all my costumes 
and this year Karen and I needed to be fairy princesses. I miss being a fairy princess.

This particular Halloween I was Snookie. I rocked it and had a total blast! My ex, Dan and I had epic Halloween parties sometimes with up to 130 people! Good gravy. We were crazy.

SELFIE! With my giant Liatris plants. They grow everything extra large in Alaska. Liatris in MA grow to about maybe 3 feet - this one is now as tall as I am. Alaska's soil and incredible amount of light make everything ridiculous and productive and HUUUUUGE.

My Sadie scratching herself. She had no front toofies so her tongue stuck out all the time!

My gay skeleton at Halloween time in Salem. 
He was FAAAAA-Bulous (as said in Paul Lynde's voice!)

Sadie again. Dan and I called her "The World's Most Comfortable Dog" - and she was.

My bestie's little puppysnickerdoodlelovebug cutie pie named Tallulah Blueberry. 
Karen's giving her treats sent by moi, Auntie Lisa.

Only the best humpback whale in the entire North Atlantic named Spoon. She's always been my favorite whale. As far as anyone knows, she's the biggest humpback on record. 
63 feet long and easily 50 tons or more. Impressive.

Koty and Lady on our beloved Boaty! We loved fishing and 
Koty was quite helpful with the frozen herring!

My Lady a few days before she died. 

My little Phoebe. Or Phoobles. Also called Loops. Or Little Roo. Or Little Red. 
She's so damn cute it hurts!

My best friend's doggies - Edsel with the underbitey on the left, and Tallulah Blueberry.
Oy with the cuteness.

Ok. Next installment are funnies.
Hope you are well.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Jimmy Fallon and Kevin Spacey

This is so very funny! I love me some Kevin Spacey!

The Internets Probably Isn't Bad, I Guess.

So, I just watched an amazing veedeeeo (stolen shamelessly from my friend, June, at Bye Bye, Pie) by a physicist (I'll put a link up - just wait a minute!) talking about "Type" of societies and what the internet has done for our advancement as human beings as a global community.

(That was a really long sentence.)

In any case, he talked about the fact that the internet is basically a Type 1 global telephone. It's the start of a possibly better life for everyone on the planet.

He talked about the European Union and how that is also the beginning of a Type 1 society where people who formerly fought over EVERYTHING (mostly land and religion) now have banded together for a better way of life for the whole.

Super interesting.

He talked about how we right now are on the cusp between either blowing ourselves up (because of savagery, terrorism, the existence of nuclear weapons, etc.) OR we are gonna go the other way because we're making such advancements in connecting with each other and learning tolerance and empathy for  those who are suffering.

Really great stuff. It's kind of a big deal here in Alaska - the whole live and let live deal. Alaskans just want to do their thing. They don't want to tread on your happiness - in fact, it's the other way around. They WANT you to be happy.

The number one thing that has been said to me when I tell people that I've just moved here from Massachusetts?

"Welcome to Alaska!" said very heartily and with great gusto!

I also get hugged all the time. By utter strangers...mostly women but there are some really great men I've met here, too.

So, in any case, I'm being far too meaningful for the start of my day...Phoebe, my beautiful little dog is sick of me looking at the damn computer screen.

Anyhoo, here's that video by the physicist Michio Kaku. It's worth the few minutes.

I am also an honorary Jew. So lucky. Amazing peeps...

I am another one. So lucky.

What most people don't realize, is that the Hebes are VERRRRRY special people. They love like no one I've ever known. And once you've been accepted as a Jew, it's a very exclusive club! Yaay!

I just learned that Robin Williams also found himself as part of the club. I feel so honored to be part of it.