Thursday, August 21, 2014

Funnies (thanks primarily to Hank!)

This one is CLASSIC Hank:

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." 

Did somebody lose the cat?

These are called paraprosdokian sentences. The first half has one meaning and the second sentence gives the phrase a whole new meaning. 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Many more funnies to come! I just needed a heavy dose of silliness today. Hope you are well.

Random stuff

First off, I'm completely crazy over our Attorney General, Eric Holder. What a fantastic man. Thank you, AG Holder.

Second, the discussions that have been happening re: Ebola, Ferguson, Robin Williams, the atrocities in Iraq...Through these terrible things, we are learning some incredible things about human nature and asking the right questions. I'm trying to stay positive which is not always so easy, right?

Third, it's time for some levity. I have collected (over many years) some of the funniest photos, videos and jokes (thanks to you, Hank!).

So, it's JOKE day on Life with Flowers! Plus, I've got to get my head straight for the Emmys which are on MONDAY! I'm sooooo excited! I have missed out on so many award shows in the last couple years, so YAAAY for the Emmys! I've already warned me new, lovely husband about my obsession with these silly self-congratulatory productions...oh, well.

On with the silliness...

Well. Jeez. Looking through the pictures I have from the last 15 years I have found pictures I WAAAANA post that aren't necessarily funny for you, but bring back some fabulous memories. So, this will be my post about fun memories from my recent past. I'll put up another one today that are the funny ones, mmkay?

These are completely random and in no particular order. Just sayin' so you don't think I've gone and caught the schizophrenia (not that there's anything wrong with it (to steal a line from Seinfeld))...

Christmas in Salem! My house was on the Christmas in Salem home tour that year.

My bestie since we've been three years old. My momma made all my costumes 
and this year Karen and I needed to be fairy princesses. I miss being a fairy princess.

This particular Halloween I was Snookie. I rocked it and had a total blast! My ex, Dan and I had epic Halloween parties sometimes with up to 130 people! Good gravy. We were crazy.

SELFIE! With my giant Liatris plants. They grow everything extra large in Alaska. Liatris in MA grow to about maybe 3 feet - this one is now as tall as I am. Alaska's soil and incredible amount of light make everything ridiculous and productive and HUUUUUGE.

My Sadie scratching herself. She had no front toofies so her tongue stuck out all the time!

My gay skeleton at Halloween time in Salem. 
He was FAAAAA-Bulous (as said in Paul Lynde's voice!)

Sadie again. Dan and I called her "The World's Most Comfortable Dog" - and she was.

My bestie's little puppysnickerdoodlelovebug cutie pie named Tallulah Blueberry. 
Karen's giving her treats sent by moi, Auntie Lisa.

Only the best humpback whale in the entire North Atlantic named Spoon. She's always been my favorite whale. As far as anyone knows, she's the biggest humpback on record. 
63 feet long and easily 50 tons or more. Impressive.

Koty and Lady on our beloved Boaty! We loved fishing and 
Koty was quite helpful with the frozen herring!

My Lady a few days before she died. 

My little Phoebe. Or Phoobles. Also called Loops. Or Little Roo. Or Little Red. 
She's so damn cute it hurts!

My best friend's doggies - Edsel with the underbitey on the left, and Tallulah Blueberry.
Oy with the cuteness.

Ok. Next installment are funnies.
Hope you are well.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Jimmy Fallon and Kevin Spacey

This is so very funny! I love me some Kevin Spacey!

The Internets Probably Isn't Bad, I Guess.

So, I just watched an amazing veedeeeo (stolen shamelessly from my friend, June, at Bye Bye, Pie) by a physicist (I'll put a link up - just wait a minute!) talking about "Type" of societies and what the internet has done for our advancement as human beings as a global community.

(That was a really long sentence.)

In any case, he talked about the fact that the internet is basically a Type 1 global telephone. It's the start of a possibly better life for everyone on the planet.

He talked about the European Union and how that is also the beginning of a Type 1 society where people who formerly fought over EVERYTHING (mostly land and religion) now have banded together for a better way of life for the whole.

Super interesting.

He talked about how we right now are on the cusp between either blowing ourselves up (because of savagery, terrorism, the existence of nuclear weapons, etc.) OR we are gonna go the other way because we're making such advancements in connecting with each other and learning tolerance and empathy for  those who are suffering.

Really great stuff. It's kind of a big deal here in Alaska - the whole live and let live deal. Alaskans just want to do their thing. They don't want to tread on your happiness - in fact, it's the other way around. They WANT you to be happy.

The number one thing that has been said to me when I tell people that I've just moved here from Massachusetts?

"Welcome to Alaska!" said very heartily and with great gusto!

I also get hugged all the time. By utter strangers...mostly women but there are some really great men I've met here, too.

So, in any case, I'm being far too meaningful for the start of my day...Phoebe, my beautiful little dog is sick of me looking at the damn computer screen.

Anyhoo, here's that video by the physicist Michio Kaku. It's worth the few minutes.

I am also an honorary Jew. So lucky. Amazing peeps...

I am another one. So lucky.

What most people don't realize, is that the Hebes are VERRRRRY special people. They love like no one I've ever known. And once you've been accepted as a Jew, it's a very exclusive club! Yaay!

I just learned that Robin Williams also found himself as part of the club. I feel so honored to be part of it.


Saturday, August 16, 2014

An incredible talent

Strong Women and a Few Good Men

The above graphic is via Hypberbole and a Half, by Allie Brosh

So, lately there's been a lot of discussion about Depression and Suicide and it's about goddamn time that we made this public and open and really talk about what's going on.

I went through a deep, situational depression for about 20 months. I started coming out of it in January of this year. I woke up one day to find that I felt ok. I didn't feel good, great or any other nice adjective, but I felt ok. I had stopped the horrible loop of depression and wanting to not exist anymore.

Now, that's a thing that needs to be explained further. I wasn't necessarily suicidal - I had thoughts of jumping into the icy ocean or ramming my car into a cement wall. They were passing thoughts and some days I wouldn't even leave the house for fear that those thoughts would take over in a flash and I'd do it because I was feeling so beaten down

However, I love my crazy family too much. My cousin, A, called me and she begged me not to hurt myself. She told me she prayed for me every day and that made me want to stay alive just for her. She doesn't know the power that one little conversation had for me. Just to know that my beautiful cousin cared that much that she prayed for me every day? Wow. It hit me really hard.

So, I went into intensive talk therapy with the BEST therapist in the world named Shelley. An unassuming, soft-spoken, BRILLIANT woman who changed my life. Best thing I ever learned was on a poster on her wall. It said "Everyone's got's all about how you carry it."

Yep. Truth. Anyone who says they don't have baggage has been living in a hole or something. And even THAT has its own baggage! Jeez. Get over yourselves.

I also give props to my new friends at the time, N and K and K's daughter E, who also lifted me up, fed me (I lost 25 pounds from not eating), helped me pack my beloved house and sell it, helped me move, helped me by giving me a home and the courage to face my worst demons. Honest, wonderful women that don't feed into the bullshit. I love these women.

Strong women and a few good men... It was my ex's Momma, my ex, Dan, my friends Karen, Liz and Penny, my Momma, my Dad, my Dad's lovely, strong wife, Lorie, Hank, Marylou, my cousins, my amazing Aunt and Uncle...Without these amazing, wonderful people I just don't know what would have become of me.

There are peripheral people with whom I wasn't all that close, but somehow they knew I needed them. Christine, Mickey, Bob, Charlie and his wife, Patty...

So, depression is fucked up. If you've never had it, you can NEVER totally get it. What Robin Williams did is completely understandable to those of us who've been through it. I was a lucky one that had situational depression. That means that so much shit happened all at once, that I basically just shut down. My chemicals were all fucked up and there was no way to straighten them out without dealing with pain and sadness and grief. Anti-depression drugs didn't even help. I tried three different kinds.

Here's another thing. When people are grieving = being depressed, just LET THEM. Don't try to fix it. Don't tell them to do yoga at sunrise or gaze at the ocean or travel or whatever your lame-ass solution is.  Just let them grieve and feel sad.

It's okay to feel your feelings. They.Will.Not.Kill.You.

However if you ARE suicidal, please get help. I am not a psychologist or therapist or any of those "ists" - so this is only talking about MY experience. I don't feign to have all the answers. Just suggestions for what helped me.

The only thing you can do when someone is really sad and grieving is give them a hug. Tell them that you love them and that you're so very sorry for the losses they've had to endure. Make them food. Give them their time to grieve. The process is different for every single person.

I spent the evening last night with a really good friend, S. This woman has endured more loss in the last two years than any of you might imagine. Her dear husband, her sister, her father...And there's more I won't divulge. In any case, she's struggling with her losses and such deep terrible grief. I cannot imagine what that feels like to have lost all of these people she loves so deeply. And then her daughter's dog died yesterday while we were having lunch. So a bunch of us at the restaurant just tried to comfort her. I cried, of course, because I'm still grieving the losses I've endured. My puppies, Lady, Koty and Sadie. I loved them so much, it still hurts to think of them not being on this earth.

I don't mean to be preachy or any of that. I want to give insight to those of you lucky folks out there who never have had real depression. Bad days or feeling blue are totally different. Depression takes you over and breaks you down so far that there is not even a pin prick of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. There's no hope. That's an awful thing.

The last thing I'm gonna touch on here today is the list of people up there that helped me. It's a lotta good women and just a few good men. So, what the eff, boyz? What's all up in your girdle that the most of you have to be such assholes? Most men say they love women. Nope. That ain't love, kids. That's USING women for your own selfish needs. It's fucked up and I have absolutely no time for the asshole men of the world. And, I know. There are a load of asshole women out there, too. I ain't got time for them either.

HEY! All you good guys out there? You need to school your asshole friends. Women are smarter (I think), funnier, wiser and kinder than the majority of men. In Alaska? The women are a sisterhood. It's palpable. It's amazing. I far prefer the company of the young, middle-aged and older women here in Alaska. These are salt of the earth amazing, wise, hilarious and fun ladies. I feel so lucky to have stumbled my way here for my beautiful husband.

Alrighty. I gotta go cook. I'm hosting a party with 12 ladies tonight (my husband is out of town!), so I best be making something good for them to eat!

Here's another post from Allie Brosh that describes depression. Think about Robin Williams and you'll maybe get it:

Hyperbole and a Half